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If I Wasn’t a London Escort: 5 Alternate Jobs, from Searching for Italy

Have you seen Stanley Tucci’s Searching for Italy?

If you haven’t, then go ahead and find it now. It’s perfect Sunday evening viewing — and believe me, you won’t want to miss a moment of it, so put your phone away: this is full of gems — of history, of culture, of food — blink, and you’ll miss something spectacular. It’s really a perfect show — a compelling blend of food, history, culture, contemporary issues — and Stanley Tucci. I’ve been a fan of his since he played one of my favourite characters, naughty sprite Puck, in the 1999 movie of Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream (which my parents took me to see at the cinema in Singapore, of all places — sorry, I was an irritatingly precocious and well-travelled child).

Anyway, I’ve long been a lover of Stanley Tucci, of Italy, and of the food/travel television genre, but I only recently had the chance to sit down and watch every episode again (thanks, flu). And each one got me thinking — hey, I could do that job.

What’s on my Italian travel bucket list?

So if you’re looking for a new job for the new year, maybe you’ll find inspiration in this list?

1. Limoncello maker / lemon grower

Live on a cliff on the Amalfi coast, grow big juicy lemons, turn them into limoncello, to drink in the sunshine? Sign me right up!

2. Food consultant

I don’t really know what this involves, but from what I can gather from the episode, it involves being best friends with Stanley Tucci and consulting for foodie things on films. I happen to think I make an excellent best friend, and I can certainly consult on food — I know I’m good at eating, for one thing!

3. Prosciutto di Parma DNA tester

In 2017, a fake prosciutto di Parma scandal rocked the Italian ham industry, and was eventually cracked in a phone tapping and undercover surveillance operation that seized and confiscated a million fake hams: eat your heart out, The Wire. They carefully DNA test all the hams now — as far as I can tell, this also involves lots of sniffing of prosciutto, and tasting it, too. See you there, Stringer Bell.

Have you read my weekend guide to Venice?

4. Parmesan-whisperer

In the Rome episode, off they trot to a parmesan producer to watch them wash the giant cheeses, baby them in a salt bath, whisper sweet nothings to them — before cracking them open and taking a nibble. I might need help lifting the giant wheels, but I’d be

5. Stanley Tucci

Is anyone hiring in this department? I feel like I’d be great in this role. I have passable Italian, I have good cheekbones, I’m a good cook, I look great in chinos (probably, I dunno, let’s try it), I enjoy friendly banter, I’ll travel anywhere — and I’m really, really good at eating.

Don’t worry, your favourite independent London escort isn’t